Grab Bag – NFL Twilight Zone, Fantasy, Celine Dion

Tom Brady getting shammed out of a high-five. (2014 CBS Sports)

Tom Brady getting shammed out of a high-five. (2014 CBS Sports)

Greetings from the greatest city in the world! That’s right, friends! Today’s grab bag comes to you live from Chicago, IL. And forgive me if this week’s grab bag is a bit unorganized. It’s been an unorganized type of week.

“What the hell is happening in the NFL?!” – Just about every person I’ve talked to.

Ok, seriously. If you saw this coming I’m going to immediately call you a liar:

0-2 teams:

  • Colts
  • Ravens
  • Texans
  • Giants
  • Eagles
  • Saints
  • Lions
  • Bears (not surprised)
  • Seahawks (WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K!!!!!!)

2-0 teams:

  • Packers
  • Cardinals
  • Broncos
  • Patriots (Cheaters.)
  • Cowboys (Wow, really? With no Dez or Romo?)
  • Falcons (Huh?)
  • Panthers (WHAT?!)

I feel like we’ve stepped into a bizarro world. This is the NFL Twilight Zone. To top it off the Redskins, Browns, Raiders, Buccaneers, Jets, and Jaguars all upset their opponent last week. Like, seriously. WTF, bro? What are you going to tell me next – Tyrod Taylor is a good NFL QB?!

Bills QB Tyrod Taylor

Bills QB Tyrod Taylor

AHHHH!!!!! TYROD TAYLOR IS A GOOD QB?!?!?!?!?! Taylor is 8th in the league in QB rating, averaging 42 rushing yards per game on top of 218 passing yards a game with 5 total TD’s. TYROD. TAYLOR. I thought Tyrod Taylor was an accountant now.

Want your mind blown even more, NFL Twilight Zoners? Browns WR/KR Travis Benjamin leads the NFL in all-purpose yards. That’s right. Travis Benjamin has more all-purpose yards than Jordan Matthews and Odell Beckham Jr. have receiving yards COMBINED. Jesus, what is happening?!

“Who would you start in fantasy this week? [Insert Player A and B here]”– Every single person I talk to.

I generally hate talking about fantasy football on here for three reasons: 1 – If my opponents read my articles they know my strategy, 2 – If I’m wrong I get made fun of relentlessly, and 3 – there are countless amounts of fantasy tools available to you that give you tons of valid statistical research that’s far more advanced than any projection I can give you. I can generally predict if a player will do well or not against a given opponent. But it’s insanity for any human being to say “so and so is going to get 12.7 points this week” and anyone who does that (LOOKING AT YOU, MATTHEW BERRY) is often more wrong than right and shouldn’t be trusted.

I’m a numbers guy. I trust algorithms, statistical models, and what I like to call “matchup math.” Many people have told me I’m a nerd. I’d rather be a nerd and win. And so should you. I’ve been playing fantasy football way too long to listen to that guy in every fantasy football league who goes “I don’t know, man. I just have a feeling Andy Dalton is going to light up the Seahawks this weekend!” Umm. No. That crazy guy might be right once a year (and don’t worry, he will never shut up about it) but there are better ways to run your fantasy team.

I have a general theory on fantasy football: Fantasy Football is akin to betting on a coin flip 13 times a game, 13 games a year. No matter how much research you do, you can never take out the statistical certainty that there is uncertainty.

“Having good seats to the Dolphins game is like having tickets to Celine Dion. Wherever you sit it’s still shit.” – Zac 

(2014 Marco Scola Media)

(2014 Marco Scola Media)

First things first, that’s hilarious. I laughed for a solid three minutes at that one. Secondly, this quote needs a little backstory. Not even ten minutes after the Dolphins lost to the Jaguars on Sunday, Stat Boy Brian Zeller began feverishly texting me, “WE’RE SELLING OUR TICKETS THIS SUNDAY! I’M NOT SITTING IN 400 DEGREE HEAT TO WATCH THE ‘PHINS GET THROAT BANGED BY TYROD TAYLOR!!!” I told the story many times on the podcast that Brian and I just became Dolphin season ticket holders. This is the first regular season Dolphins game we would be attending as season ticket holders.

Two days later I’m shooting pool with Zac and another buddy of ours when I tell Zac the above story. Zac then fixes his face into a shape that can only be described as “disgustedly dumbfounded” and delivers the now-infamous Celine Dion line. What a beautiful line. Just in case you guys forgot, Celine Dion is responsible for the biggest oxymoron in music history: the most beautiful, catchy, yet awfully cheesy and oft tone deaf “Titanic” theme song. You’re welcome:

And just like the Titanic, the Dolphins season may already be sinking. What a great time to be a Dolphins season ticket holder.

“Who you got tonight – Giants or Redskins?”

The line is -3.5 Giants at home. I hate that 1/2-point hook. If you can buy that down to -3 take the Giants just to feel a little more comfortable but I still like -3.5 Giants. I like the Giants to win straight-up too.

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