Why We Hate Your Team is a collection of articles poking fun at every NFL team leading up to the 2014 NFL Season. To see the rest of the league, click here.
The holy grail and center of my sports hatred universe resides in the anus of America: Green Bay, Wisconsin. I’d feel bad for the miserable residents of God’s Island of Misfit Fat Ugly Toys but I remind myself these idiots chose to live in a place where absolutely nothing happens besides Packer football. The slogan of Green Bay legitimately reads “It’s All Here!” What’s all here? There’s literally nothing there. I drove through Green Bay on the way to Michigan for a snowmobiling trip and the only interesting thing I saw on the way was a large woman I mistook for a moose. She was squished into a Brett Favre jersey. When I die and meet my maker he’s going to ask me, I guarantee it, “Son, I can forget about all your transgressions and grant you eternal peace here in heaven (which is obviously a Portillo’s) filled with never-ending cheeseburgers, chocolate cake, and an endless stream of your favorite sports on a 90-inch plasma, and a table set for five and the guests are you, Walter Payton, a naked Kate Upton, Mike Ditka and the lady who had the misfortune of marrying you. Or your son. Your choice. But all you have to do is say ‘I love Green Bay.'” I will answer “F*CK GREEN BAY!!!” and be sent to hell. Which is obviously Green Bay, Wisconsin. I might as well start looking at houses there to get started on the afterlife.
#1 – Green Bay, Wisconsin
If you haven’t figured it out by now I loathe the Green Bay Packers. They’re the bane of my existence as a Bears fan. The stories upon stories upon stories I could tell about how much Green Bay has haunted my life is so long I could write a book that challenges Homer’s Odyssey. It all really boils down to this: their cute little story about a nice little town in Bumbledick, Wisconsin whose entire commerce revolves around a football team with their God of a coach (who was actually an overrated coach – I’ll get to him later), toilet bowl of a stadium, and “passionate” fan base who think they “own” the team but actually are taking part in the biggest ponzi scheme since Bernie Madoff is the biggest sack of shit lie ever told in sports. I’ll begin with the “city” itself – which is actually more like a town where vikings stopped for like ten minutes and decided this place sucked and kept moving north. How horrible does your town have to be that settlers left to be in a COLDER environment?
Green Bay is the groundhogs day of towns. It is always a decade behind at minimum. Have you heard the music they play in that crap hole stadium? Just to verify I wasn’t making this up – I googled the music played. It is awful 90s garbage. LL Cool J’s greatest hits, Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time”, Todd Rundgren’s “Bang The Drum All Day”, and … I’m not making this up … Polka music are commonplace at Packer games. I mean JESUS. Sorry, I mean DITKA. Do these clowns play these songs on cassette labeled “Packers Jamz 2014”? Are they still cueing up their pre-game video with VHS? Or have they upgraded to LaserDisc? Has anyone from Green Bay seen an iPhone? How are they able to get to games without their horse and carriage? Because it’s 2014, it’s only 2004 in Green Bay so they should be getting iPods soon. Man are they going to love BluRay. Oh, and tell them not to panic when a black guy runs for president in about four years. In case you forgot, Green Bay, there was a time when the Packers didn’t even want to play there. They played a few of their games every season in Milwaukee (which might be the only place worse than Green Bay … nah never mind … Milwaukee is Narnia to Green Bay) because they were losing money staying in Green Bay. Most-passionate fan base my ass. You’re like every other fan base: When your team wins, you show up. That simple. And unfortunately for me you’ve been good for the past 15 years or so.
#2 – Aaron Rodgers
There is no one, and I truly mean no one, I’ve wanted to punch more than Aaron Rodgers. He vehemently defended Ryan Braun on Twitter saying he’d bet $8.5M of his salary that Braun never did steroids, and when it was discovered Braun did take steroids (and was suspended for it), in true I’m-Asshole-Aaron-Rodgers fashion he didn’t pay up and still defended Braun. Rodgers is hated by his teammates, relentlessly gives them the stink eye whenever they make a minor screw-up on Sunday with that “I’m surrounded by idiots” look permanently plastered on his face, buries them every couple of weeks or so in post game pressers, and yet he still does his half-ass “point at my invisible championship belt” routine every time he scores. He walks around with the attitude of “I’m the smartest and most-loved person in this building so screw off” at all times and Green Bay eats it up. They’re so dumb they don’t even realize he hates his own fans. In that interview with Peter King he scoffed at fans who want to meet him, says Twitter comments “mean nothing to him” – good or bad – and openly says people like you or I … you know the same people who stuff his pockets … have too much access to the locker rooms via media and it should be scaled back. Is he a good quarterback? Yes. But his fame is directly correlated with Brett Favre’s demise and that bothers me. If he was Aaron Rodgers, QB of the Oakland Raiders, I would wager $10,000 that he’d be Johnny Manziel – meaning the most-scrutinized QB in the league. But because he “did it the right way” and was the darling after Favre he gets a pass. Which is bullshit. The guy is a jerk. And for the record, I’d still despise this man if he played for anyone – not just the Packers. Not to mention he’s got to cut it out with his facial hair selections:
#3 – Lambeau Field
Welcome everyone to the World’s Largest Toilet Bowl! And another one of sports biggest lies: The Frozen Tundra! Bullcrap. Statistically speaking, it is no more likely to be colder in Green Bay than in Chicago, Cincinnati, New York, Cleveland, Minnesota, or New England. Sure, Green Bay is home to the coldest game in NFL history (the Ice Bowl where temperatures reached -13), but other NFL stadiums have recorded equally as-“Tundra-Like” weather like that. Most notably:
– The 1981 AFC playoff game between Cleveland and Oakland where it was -5.
– Bears-Vikings in 1972 when it was -2.
– Packers in Minnesota also in 1972 when it was exactly 0 degrees.
– And the 1994 playoff game between the Raiders and Bills when it was also 0 degrees in Buffalo.
Point is it gets cold in a lot of places, idiots. That doesn’t make your stadium special. However, as a Cubs fan I can understand the whole “stadium makes the experience” spiel. My Cubbies play in one of the most beautiful and timeless venues in the world. Green Bay’s Lambeau Field is on that level except there is nothing special about this stadium. It is a bowl. With only bleacher seats. There is no ivy. There is no hand-controlled scoreboard. In fact there is everything you’d find at a normal NFL stadium like plush press boxes, modern bathrooms (which Wrigley Field STILL doesn’t have! So SCREW YOUR FAKE OLD-SCHOOL AUTHENTICITY!), jumbotrons, and the same collection of non-educated always-drunk fans you’d find anywhere from Oakland to New York to Miami and back again. They’re just wearing different colors. This place just happens to be a survivor of the stadium boom (and it very nearly was abandoned, mind you) that Packers execs figured they’d just make the best of it so they gave it a boob job.
#4 – This Woman
He gets the women of Green Bay’s panties all moist. But to everyone else he’s a woman himself.
#5 – Mike McCarthy and Dom Capers
Hey, has anyone noticed yet that these two are terrible coaches? For years Dom Capers’ defense has been one of the league’s-worst, and the Packers have miraculously not done anything in the last three years in the NFC North where their only competition is Jay Cutler, some guy named Christian Ponder, and the dumpster fire that is the Lions? They went 8-7-1 last year. They TIED WITH THE VIKINGS. And yet these two jackwagons are still employed. I mean, hey, keep going for it, Green Bay because your sucking makes my life better. But wow. How is the jury still out? Especially Dom Capers. That guy lies to people more than Lance Armstrong by telling everyone he’s a defensive coordinator.
#6 – You don’t actually own the team
Allow me to explain to everyone how the Packers’ complete sham of a “team stock” is. First of all, the fans do not in any way shape or form own any part of the Packers. They own what’s called a “common stock” which basically means the stock price can never go up, can never go down, and you can never sell it once you buy it. If the owners (and let me be clear – no fan owns anything of the Packers) decided to sell the team, no shareholder would receive anything nor could they get their initial investment back. The “shareholders” are literally making a donation to the Green Bay Packers. And yet the Packers have sold over 4.7 million shares at $250 a piece. So good job, idiots, for literally handing your team $1.1B in cash. And what do shareholders receive for giving them $250 per share? They get invited to the annual shareholders meeting where the only power they have is electing the 45-person Board of Directors – who have absolutely no influence on football decisions, exclusive access to the shareholders merchandise store (they seriously offer shareholders-only polos), a piece of paper that declares you the most-gullible moron in the world, oh, and as a supposed NFL owner you aren’t allowed to publicly criticize the Packers, the NFL, or NFL employees. I’m not making that last part up.
Deadspin actually did a terrific piece on the sham that is the Packers shareholders. These fans who do this don’t get anything – not playoff tickets, not fancy event tickets (not that anything fancy happens in Green Bay anyway), not even preseason tickets or discounts on merchandise or even a poster of Mike Holmgren. Nothing. Yet they collectively handed their team $1.1B. And got a piece of paper in return. Oh! And access to a polo that says “Bernice: Part-Owner of the Green Bay Packers! (Sorta!)”
#7 – Cheeseheads
In any other part of the country, if you saw someone dressed like this you would call the police to report a crazy man had escaped Arkham Asylum. But in Green Bay, the epicenter of social breakdown in our country, this is completely normal. As a matter of fact, it’s encouraged to wear a block of cheese on your head. Try reading that sentence again without your head exploding.
#8 – Vince Lombardi
The man our Super Bowl trophy is named after! He must be the winningest coach in our game’s history, right! No? That’s Don Shula? Damn! I thought for sure he’s number one! Ok! So he’s gotta be number two! GEORGE HALAS! THE BEARS COACH?! Alright, alright, Lombardi HAS to be number three! TOM LANDRY! Alright he’s gotta be top five!
4. Curly Lambeau
5. Marty Shottenheimer
WHAT THE HELL! WHERE’S LOMBARDI?!
6. Bill Belichick
7. Chuck Noll
8. Dan Reeves
9. Chuck Knox
10. Bill Parcells
YOU’RE LYING!!!!!!!!!!! No, I’m not lying. As a matter of fact, I have to travel all the way to 38th to find this overrated coach. Jon Gruden won one less game than Lombardi. Andy Reid has won 47 more games than Lombardi. Freaking Tom Coughlin AND Mike Shannahan have more wins than Lombardi. Are you ready for this? Norv F*cking Turner has 18 more wins than Lombardi.
The only reason why Lombardi was as “good” as he was is because he won the first two Super Bowls ever (and stuck it to the AFL) and Pete Rozelle wanted to honor the recent passing of Lombardi in 1970 by naming the championship trophy after him. That’s it. Lombardi’s greatest X’s and O’s contribution to football was the “SEAL HERE and SEAL HERE” sweep play that Green Bay literally ran 80 times a game. I won’t deny Lombardi did wonders for the locker room and paved the way to modern acceptance. He was a fierce leader, a fierce competitor, and frankly a workaholic. But here’s what nobody wants to talk about: Lombardi would be swallowed up in coaching intellect even by his then-coaching peers like George Halas, Tom Landry, Paul Brown, Weeb Ewbank, Hank Stram, and Sid Gillman – all of whom coached in the same time period as Lombardi and all of whom have more wins than Lombardi. But please, NFL Films, show me that Ice Bowl highlight again and that clip of him yelling at his players “What the hell is going on out there?!” and tell me how awesome he was. Man worship at its finest.
#9 – The worst song ever
They actually play this often in The Toilet Bowl.
Every time – and I do mean EVERY time – I’m confronted by a Packers fan, I recount this scene from Happy Gilmore: