Why We Hate Your Team – Philadelphia Eagles

(2012 Weinstein Company)

(2012 Weinstein Company)

 

Why We Hate Your Team is a collection of articles poking fun at every NFL team leading up to the 2014 NFL Season. To see the rest of the league, click here.

If the (awesome) movie Silver Linings Playbook taught me anything, it was all Philadelphia Eagles fans are complete whackos. They have forced all of us to lose our minds. I’ll prove it to you: While engaged in a family discussion while on vacation over the weekend, I defended the fact that Dick Vermeil led the Eagles to a Super bowl “sometime in the 1970s.” And then I looked it up and OF COURSE they didn’t. Eagles fans have successfully convinced me their shitty team was slightly less-than-shitty at some point. Thanks, jackasses.

#1 – Eagles fans

This is really a call-out of Philadelphia fans in general. They are the worst. Like absolute worst. These jackwagons booed and threw snowballs at Santa Claus. No wonder they haven’t even accidentally won a Super Bowl yet. Your proverbial coal every year is terrible sports results and you totally deserve it. You have a terrible baseball team (who miraculously won two World Series this side of World War II), a hilariously-bad (yet entertaining) hockey team who only has two titles in the 70s because they literally beat up everyone else, a horrible basketball team that I have to continually remind myself they exist (seriously … I remember the Memphis Grizzlies exist before the 76ers), and the Eagles.

They’re loud, arrogant, annoying, rude, and obnoxious – and those are just the nice ones. And then said Eagles fan will turn around and brag about his city that hasn’t been relevant since the Revolutionary War – which by the way, the founding fathers were smart enough to not let Philadelphia keep the capital of the United States – and yet every year we have to listen to Sal Paolantonio give handies to the Eagles on ESPN saying “You know, I think the Eagles are really going to do it this year!” and then proceed to go 8-8, win the shit show that is the NFC East, and lose right away in the playoffs.

Meanwhile these fans will torture whoever is at quarterback once he throws his first interception (don’t worry “Nick Folesian Dynamite,” you’re next), and hate the head coach’s guts for going to FIVE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP games (Andy Reid was legit hated. For making them competitive every year. Look out Chip Kelly. You’re next).

All I have to say is these are the same fans who booed arguably the best quarterback in their team’s history in Donovan McNabb on draft day because they wanted … Akili Smith? I’d like to point out 8 of the first 11 picks of the 1999 draft ended up being Pro Bowlers. Smith, Tim Couch (the first overall pick) and Chris Claiborne were the only three who weren’t. Good foresight, Eagles fans.

#2 – Nick Foles

Everyone loves Nick Foles now, but juuuuuuuuust wait. Give him a few more weeks when every NFL team has tape (on top of last year’s) on him, realizes DeSean Jackson is not on his team anymore, and LeSean McCoy misses some time – all of a sudden Nick Foles will look like every other mediocre quarterback and Mark Sanchez (hold your laughter) takes the starting job.

Why will you hate Nick Foles? Because I’m guessing two of every five people that are reading this right now drafted Foles in the first or second round of their fantasy league. Good job. You read Sal Paolantonio’s work. Fortunately for me, I don’t and I’m going with Drew Brees this year. But have fun with a guy who’s played in 16 games with a 9-7 overall record. Whoopie.

#3 – Chip Kelly

Remind me, again, why cutting DeSean Jackson was a good idea? Does Chip Kelly just enjoy being whacky? Is he Bill Belichick in the making without the Super Bowl rings that clearly won’t happen as long as he’s in Philly? Ok, they took receivers Jordan Matthews and Josh Huff in the draft but you REALLY felt it that necessary to just let Jackson go?!

But that’s what Eagles fans will hate about him. For the non-Eagles fans there’s always the fact that he high-tailed it out of Oregon when the NCAA came poking around (Hey! Pete Carroll did that and it worked out!). Oh, and he doesn’t care about defense. So don’t draft the Eagles D this year in fantasy, unless, again, you read Sal Pal’s work, then take them in the fourth round of your draft. LeSean Mccoy, Nick Foles, and Eagles D with your first three picks for your fantasy team in that order. Seems legit.

#4 – YOU SERIOUSLY THREW SNOWBALLS AT SANTA?!?!

Yep. Jerks.

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2 Responses

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