Why We Hate Your Team is a collection of articles poking fun at every NFL team leading up to the 2014 NFL Season. To see the rest of the league, click here.
The Cleveland Browns. A disaster that would make the Titanic and Hindenburg jealous. Let’s do this.
#1 – Cleveland
There is no bigger misery of a city than Cleveland, Ohio. If you want to deter crime in this country, make every sentence include something Cleveland-related. “You are sentenced to life in prison … in Cleveland.” “You are sentenced to 30 days community service … in Cleveland.” I’d say Detroit but at least Detroit has maintained their self-respect and occasionally produce winners (the Red Wings continue to make the playoffs and the Tigers were in the World Series two years ago). Cleveland’s biggest sports accomplishment in the last decade has been getting their hometown basketball hero back after they BURNED HIS JERSEY four years earlier. Industry left this town decades ago and apparently it took everyone’s self-respect with it. Basketball star exercises his right as a free agent and leaves your miserable franchise and dipshit owner? Cleveland burns his jersey and calls him every name in the book. Draft a quarterback who is an arrogant little prick that hangs out with other arrogant pricks like Justin Bieber and Floyd Mayweather and hasn’t shown much of anything in the pre-season? Cleveland hails him as the second coming of Otto Graham and anyone who disrespects their Little Johnny should be shamed!!
I look at Cleveland like an insane asylum. The only people still living there have been tricked into thinking it’s still a thriving metropolis while those who have escaped are clearly living better lives – yes, even if they’re living in Detroit now. Browns fans are no different. Those who still root for these losers have been brainwashed into thinking this team will ever win a Super Bowl while those who have escaped the asylum are on to bigger and better things like making a comfortable living by leaving Cleveland and rooting for their new home town team – which would be any other team in the NFL. And don’t give me that loyalty crap. I’m as loyal as it comes as a Cubs fan. I’ve been rooting for a team for almost a quarter-century and there’s STILL 81 years of losing history before I came into the picture. But at least I can say I’ve seen my Cubbies get to the NLCS and the playoffs multiple times in my lifetime. This year marked the 50th year without a championship for the Browns, the 12th year without a playoff appearance (I’m already counting it because this team won’t make it this year), the 25th year since appearing in a conference championship game, and 45th year since their last NFL Championship appearance.
So I guess I under-estimated previously: Not only did industry and self-respect leave Cleveland, but so did their sports teams (literally – the Browns left from 1996 to 1998) and their hope.
#2 – Johnny Manziel
Here he is, Cleveland! Your pride and joy “tightly rolling money” in a nightclub a few months ago! The whole signing autographs and doing the money sign was cute and all in college but it’s becoming more and more apparent with each passing day what Johnny Manziel is. He is an entitled, “me, me, me” and did I mention “I” jackass who was fast in college but doesn’t have elite NFL speed (Andrew Luck ran a faster 40-yard-dash at the Combine than Manziel) with a less-than-stellar arm, who doesn’t understand a playbook (seriously … read this), that will bust out of the NFL faster than you can say “Money Manziel.”
I enjoyed Manziel in college. I liked that he stuck it to the NCAA like most players were afraid to do. But he isn’t growing up. He continually does something stupid like the middle finger to the Redskins, getting caught at a party at Bieber’s house, taking intoxicated pictures on a rubber duck floatie in a pool, or telling Browns owner he’s “within his right” to party when he was asked to calm down. And this has all happened in the last four months. This isn’t about being “young” like most people are quick to point out. You’re the quarterback of an NFL franchise under a million-dollar contract to do three things: act your damn age, act like you give a shit, and quit screwing around. Andrew Luck was young. Russell Wilson was young. Colin Kaepernick was young. And you never heard a peep out of them in training camp.
There’s a reason every team – yes, even Dallas – avoided this moron besides (who else) the Browns. He seems like the guy who will figure it all out when he’s a 30-year-old NFL bust-out selling real estate in California off his name. Then again, I might be giving him too much credit for having the intelligence to deal real estate. But keep believing he’s the guy, Cleveland. After all he’s the most-exciting thing to happen to your football team since … hold on … let me look it up … uhhh … ever.
#3 – Josh Gordon
Hey, Josh. Are you listening? Put the bong down and listen up for a minute. Every fantasy owner in every keeper league across the country hates you. Also here’s some advice: if you’re caught smoking dope and just served a two-game suspension, it’s probably a good idea to lay low for a while or quit the shit altogether. Or, you know, do it anyway and get suspended for a year. Oh and one more thing, if you’re STILL going to do all of that, the least you can do is not get caught driving while impaired or anything like that. Oh, you did anyway? Freaking idiot.
#4 – Jimmy Haslam
If Browns fans knew what their dirtbag owner was up to they’d probably pick a day on the calendar to make a holiday for this guy (because I already told you, they’re all insane). First, Haslam bought 70 percent of the Browns for $1.05B in October of 2012 while he STILL owned a minority percentage of the Pittsburgh Steelers (he finally sold those minority shares in April of 2012). But that’s not even it. Haslam’s family made their “fortune” owning those Pilot Flying J truck stops, which the FBI is investigating for a hundred-million dollar fuel rebate swindle. Oh, and his company is $4B in debt. That’s four BILLION DOLLARS in debt. How much do you have to suck at business to get FOUR BILLION DOLLARS in debt?! The guy is a crook and a shitty one at that.
You couldn’t have picked a better owner who best-describes the Browns than Jimmy Haslam. He runs the Browns like he runs his company – let’s tell the customers we’re going to give them something in order to bait and switch them. And the results are so similar – his company is $4B in debt and his team is 9-23 in the two years he’s owned them – but we have Johnny Manziel!
#5 – You guys really suck
Like. Wow. Since the Browns returned to Cleveland (again … why?) for the 1999 season they’ve gone 77-179 with one playoff appearance (of course they lost 36-33 to the Steelers). I mean, are you guys even trying? Like, how is it possible to only have a winning percentage of 30 over 16 seasons? This is coming from a Cubs fan – I don’t understand how you’re this bad this often. Oh … but I do … and there’s only two stats I need:
– You’ve had 20 … TWENTYYYYYYYYYYYYY … different quarterbacks since 1999.
– You’ve had EIGHT different head coaches since 1999 and this is the THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR with a NEW HEAD COACH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You are the worst front office in sports. Period. Enjoy going 5-11 again this year. But Johnny Manziel is your quarterback.
Bonus – Joke time!
– Did you hear about the joke Brian Hoyer told his receivers? It went over their heads.
– Why can’t Brian Hoyer use the phone anymore? Because he can’t find the receiver.
– What do the Cleveland Browns and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common? They don’t work on Sundays.
– What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring? A thief.
– Why do Cleveland Browns fans leave their tickets on their dashboard? So they can get handicap parking.
– Want to hear a Cleveland Browns joke? The Cleveland Browns.